i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
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