Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
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