I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Randomize
