If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
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