There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Randomize
