Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Randomize
