I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
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