I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
