I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
