He managed to light the Jello on fire...
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Randomize
