He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Randomize