don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Randomize
