If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
