I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
