Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
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