I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Randomize
