Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Randomize