Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
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