wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
Randomize
