So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
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