Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
