I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
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