please come you make the beer taste better
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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