why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
