i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I need to sanitize my soul.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Randomize
