that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Randomize
