His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
