Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Randomize
