so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Randomize
