Life is so much better after having sex.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Randomize
