halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
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