I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Randomize
