some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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