Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
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