I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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