We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
