Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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