i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
