Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Randomize
