If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
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