two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
