Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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