What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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