i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
