I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
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