don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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