we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
