I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Randomize
