my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
