so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Randomize