i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
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