I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
