Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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