i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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