Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Randomize
