Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Randomize
