u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
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