Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
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