My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize