My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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