I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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