my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Randomize
