You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
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