I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
