She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Randomize