yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
