i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
