Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
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