Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
