Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Randomize
