I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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